Almost Home: Converting the Relationship Graph into Recovery Components

To communicate and complete the discoveries made in your Relationship Graph, you must first put them into one of the following three categories.

As simple as they may seem, these three categories are sufficient to convey any undelivered emotional communication.

Sometimes our desire to be right can be a big problem in making apologies. Our sense of rightness or self-righteousness keeps us from being totally honest about our actions and nonactions. Be especially alert to this possibility if you are working on your relationship with a less than loved one. There is a tendency to get caught up in the idea that the other person has harmed you. While true, that does not eliminate your need to make apologies for what you have done to them.

The subject of forgiveness carries with it many beliefs passed on from generation to generation. Some people have developed such a massive resistance to the word forgive that they cannot use it. We recently helped such a woman. She called it the “F” word. We gave her the following phrase: I acknowledge the things that you did or did not do that hurt me, and I am not going to let them hurt me anymore. A variation is: I acknowledge the things that you did or did not do that hurt me, and I’m not going to let my memory of those incidents hurt me anymore.

The insensitive, unconscious, and sometimes evil actions of other people have hurt us. Our continued resentment and inability to forgive hurts us, not them. Imagine that the perpetrator has died. Can your continued resentment harm him or her? Clearly not! Can it harm you? Unfortunately, yes. As with all recovery components, the objective of our actions is to set us free. We forgive in order to reacquire our own sense of well-being. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person.

Forgiveness Is an Action, Not a Feeling

You cannot feel forgiveness until you do it. Many people say, “I can’t forgive him, I don’t feel it.” To which we say: Of course not. You cannot feel something you have not done. A feeling of forgiveness can result only from the action of verbalizing the forgiveness. Action first, feeling follows.

Forgiveness is giving up the resentment you hold against another person. You may need to forgive them for something they actually did (“I forgive you for ruining my birthday party”) or for something they did not do (“I forgive you for not attending my graduation”).

We are often asked whether, in dealing with living people, it is appropriate to forgive someone in person. Our response is: NO! NO! NO! An unsolicited statement of forgiveness is almost always perceived as an attack. The person being forgiven need never know that it has happened. Remember, never forgive anyone directly to their face.

One last note: many people ask others to forgive them. We think this is a very incorrect communication. In fact, when you ask for forgiveness, you are manipulating: you are asking the other person to do something that you need to do. And when you ask someone who has died to forgive you, you are asking a dead person to take an action. Spiritual beliefs aside, it is clear that you need to take an action, not ask someone else to do it for you. If you are asking for forgiveness, you are really trying to apologize for something you have said or done. Don’t try. Do it. Don’t ask for forgiveness. Make an apology.

This category is both simple and profound. It allows you to convey any and all undelivered communications that have been keeping you incomplete. Although any one statement may appear to be minor, it is the accumulation of a lifetime of unsaid things that contributes to a sense of incompleteness.

We have used the phrase different, better, or more many times throughout this book. Here is an explanation of that phrase: Following a death or divorce, we almost always discover some things that we wish we had said or done, or some things that we wish that we hadn’t said or done. We also remember things we wish the other person had or hadn’t said or done. These are some of the undelivered communications that fall into the category, significant emotional statements. When relationships end or change through death, divorce, or other circumstances, we almost always have a sense of broken hopes, dreams, and expectations. Attached to our awareness of them are significant emotional statements. Now is the time to put words on the thoughts and feelings that the loss robbed us of the opportunity to communicate.

In dealing with living people, it is never appropriate to make a negative significant emotional statement to them. Any negative comment will be perceived as an attack.

Congratulations on finishing your Relationship Graph.

Take a little break, and then let your partner read his or her lists.

Make your plans for your next meeting.

For Those Working Alone

Since you are working alone, you may find it effective to use John’s and Russell’s Relationship Graphs as your silent partner. Reread theirs, then look at yours. Notice the similarities and the differences in the undelivered communications. Add more if you can. Be thorough.

You will now be able to say good-bye to what is incomplete. You will be able to say good-bye to any pain you associate with this relationship, including any unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations. You can also say good-bye to the unrealistic expectation of getting something from someone who could not or would not give it. It is most important to remember that good-bye signals the end of this communication, but that it is not the end of the relationship.

It is finally time to write your Grief Recovery Completion Letter^©. We don’t want this letter to be an unsuccessful attempt at recovery for you. It’s not a good idea to discuss what you’re doing with others. Friends and relatives may mean well, but they haven’t read what you’ve read. They haven’t done the work you’ve done. Please pay close attention to these instructions on what to say and how to proceed.

General Instructions

Writing the letter is best done alone, and in one complete session. Writing the letter can be an emotionally painful experience, and there is too much temptation to avoid the pain. You’ve already proven your courage. Use it now to write this letter. Many people have known for a long time what wasn’t emotionally complete; they just didn’t know what to do about it.

Specific Instructions

There is no limit on how much you can write, but the emotional intensity is often lost in volume. This is your opportunity to say the most important unsaid things. Generally, two or three standard pages is sufficient. It is okay to write a little more or a little less. If you write more than five pages, you probably need to consider whether you’ve turned the letter into a newsletter or if you are repeating the same things.

Writing the letter may or may not be an emotional experience for you. Do not be concerned if it is not emotional. Every griever is different and unique.

Here is a helpful format for your letter.

Dear Dad (use the name or title that best represents how you remember the person),

I have been reviewing our relationship, and I have discovered some things that I want to tell you.

(You will probably list more than three incomplete communications in this section. It is helpful to keep them grouped by category.)

(You will probably list more than three incomplete communications in this section. It is helpful to keep them grouped by category.)

(You will probably list more than three incomplete communications in this section. It is helpful to keep them grouped by category.)

Closing Your Letter

Grief recovery is about completion. In order to complete what you have discovered, you must end your letter effectively.

When you speak to a friend on the phone, you conclude the conversation with the word good-bye to signal the end of the conversation. We conclude our completion letter with good-bye to signal the end of this communication.

For the vast majority of grieving people, the most effective and accurate closing is simply: “I love you, I miss you. Good-bye Dad.”

However, many of you may have difficulty with “I love you” and “I miss you.” If those statements are not truthful for you, do not say them. An effective alternative is: “I have to go now, and I have to let go of the pain. Good-bye Dad.”

Completion Letter—Examples

To help you gain a clear idea of how to write your completion letter, we will give you examples from the relationships we have graphed. The examples are presented in short form to illustrate how to do it. The original letters were longer.

Here are excerpts from John’s letter to his younger brother, who died in 1969.

Here are excerpts from Russell’s completion letter to Vivienne.

Our brains are unique and somewhat stubborn. No matter what our spiritual or religious beliefs may be, our unconscious mind demands a living observer to attest to the completeness of our communication. We are not trying to be intellectual or mystical; it is merely our practical experience with recovering grievers that has taught us what works and what doesn’t.

Instructions for the Listener

Instructions for the Letter Reader

1. Choose a place that is totally safe for you. Avoid public places.
2. Bring along a box of tissues. There is a high probability that you will experience some strong emotions as you read your letter. Keep the tissues where you can get them. We don’t want your listener handing them to you.
3. Before you start reading your letter, close your eyes. Although you have enlisted the help of a listener, your objective is to read the letter to whom it was written. Get a mental image of the person you are completing with if you can.
4. Open your eyes. Start reading your letter. You may or may not have an emotional response to your reading. Either way is okay. If you start to choke up, try to talk while you cry. The emotions are contained in the words you have written. Try to push the words up and out of your mouth. Do not swallow your words or your feelings.
5. When you get to the very end, before reading your good-bye sentence, close your eyes, get an image of the person again, and say your final words. This may be accompanied by many tears. If so, make sure you get the words spoken, especially the good-bye.
6. Remember, you are saying good-bye to the pain, and you are saying good-bye to any unfinished business. You are not saying good-bye to the fond memories. You are not saying good-bye to your spiritual beliefs. Say good-bye to the emotional incompleteness. Say good-bye to the pain, isolation, and confusion. Say good-bye to the physical relationship that you had but that has now ended or changed. Say good-bye and then let it be okay that you cry and let it all out. Also, let it be okay if you do not cry. It is essential that you say good-bye or you will probably remain incomplete.
7. As soon as you finish, ask your listener for a hug. You might want and need the hug to be quite long. Don’t cut it short. You may find yourself sobbing for a while. Let that be okay with you. You probably have been holding on to the pain for a while. Don’t rush the feelings.

For Those Working Alone

If you have been working without a partner, we are going to encourage you to find someone “safe” to help you, someone who would be willing to listen to your letter. The safe person could be a friend, a family member, a therapist, a clergy person—anyone to whom you could explain some simple guidelines. When you find a willing listener, show him or her the listener’s instructions in this chapter. Ask your listener whether he or she is willing and able to follow them exactly. Also ask for a commitment to absolute confidentiality.

Some people never find anyone with whom they feel safe. We do not want to compound the problem by telling you to do something that you cannot or will not do.

If you must read the letter without a living human witness, go ahead. Reading a letter alone to a memento, a picture, or at a grave site, can have value. One helpful idea is to read your letter to a tape recorder. Don’t destroy the letter. You might find someone you feel safe with to read it to at a future date.

Imagine that you are standing by a large window next to a giant fish tank at a place like Sea World. You are standing there with a friend, watching the fish glide by. As each fish passes, you have a reaction. First, an incredibly beautiful blue fish swims by. Its fins are like silk gently pushing side to side. You turn to your friend and say, “Wow, have you ever seen anything so gorgeous in your life?” Almost before you finish your question, a massive shark swims into view, jagged teeth glinting in the water. Instinctively, you clutch your heart and step back as if the shark could actually get at you. You say to your friend, “How terrifying! My heart is beating like a drum.” And just then a school of teeny silver fish, each hardly as big as your little finger, swarms past. There seem to be at least a thousand of them. They twist and turn as a group, in unison, as if only one brain were controlling them. You are fascinated, and you say, “How do all of them know how to go the same way? How come they don’t bump into each other?”

You have just processed every feeling in the moment you had it. In the first picture, you were awed by the beauty of the blue fish. In the second, you were frightened by the shark and the images of destruction it conjured in your mind. And lastly, you were baffled and amazed by the synchronized flow of the school in motion.

In each case, you experienced the feeling, verbalized it, and then moved to the next one. In the fish tank analogy, the movement of the fish keeps you going from one feeling to the next. Sometimes in real life we get stuck on a feeling. Or we keep bringing ourselves back to a feeling we had some time ago. When you become aware that you are looking backward at old feelings, remind yourself to keep watching the fish and respond to the next feeling that arises.

In the middle of the story, John realized that he had stopped listening and started planning Cole’s punishment in his mind. Alarmed by his own thoughts, John asked Cole to take a break and go out and play for a while. John looked heavenward and asked this question: “God, where would I get the idea that I want my son, whom I love, to associate telling me the truth with getting punished?” And in a flash, John had his answer. The image of John’s dad popped up in his mind’s eye as clear as crystal.

John realized that he had just discovered another piece of unfinished emotional business with his own father. He got a pad and pen and wrote:

Having written the letter to his dad, John felt free to talk to Cole about the consequences of his actions. He helped Cole apologize to the neighbor for the broken window and set up a program where Cole and his pals could earn some money to pay for the window. There was no punishment. But John needed to take one more action to be emotionally complete with the event. The next morning John read the letter to his dad out loud so Russell could hear it, and then got a hug from Russell. John completed the communication by having a living person hear the words. We take the same completion actions we teach you. Each new discovery needs to be completed and verbalized to make room for the next piece to float up to the surface.